Emerge from the Chaos
I finally sat down and listened to one of my favourite albums as I headed into further education: Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park. It captured a huge ball of angst that I personally dragged myself through in my teens. Heavy guitars, loud drums, textured synths and either sonorous or screamed vocals. It was like this music was made for me, or even was a template for what music looks like now. A blended blur of elements to the point where genre doesn’t mean much anymore…which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending who you talk to.
The thing that makes me think more, is how the world is far more chaotic and confusing twenty years later. Sure, I thought the world was hard, unforgiving and painful but now I see things zoomed out on a global scale.
Crawling in my skin
These wounds, they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real
As a fan since 2000, I learnt about Chester Bennington’s personal battles with drug use and depression. I didn’t feel the pull towards drugs, but depression has been a very real and present element in my life for a long time. I would often play Crawling at high volume when I had a particularly bad time.
As I grew up, I carried the songs with me through hard times. I have a whole bunch of songs that I know from LP that I remember. During my divorce it was Somewhere I Belong and continued while I got to grips with my own sexuality and gender.
Through to Easier to Run when I was homeless and literally doused in so much pain, guilt, depression and suicide that I was literally living physically light but mentally I was pilled high with baggage of damage.
The most important song for me was Breaking The Habit. I ended up listening to it endlessly while trying to find a place to live. Through a lot of luck, I got that home and its been where I’ve grown over the last few years.
The one thing I know more than anything, is to get familiar with darkness. Not comfortable, not enjoyable but familiar with darkness. You have to light your own path and find your own way.
With the world how it is, there will be a lot of people looking for coaches, healers and mentors who want help in all sorts of areas. Don’t be afraid of your light, it will draw all sorts of people to you but be careful…it will bring the right and the wrong too, so you need to discern who to work with wisely as well.
Ultimately, I learnt to emerge from a chaotic world. Some would say I can do this with a smile on my face too. I hope I can pass that little bit of positivity and resilience to all my clients.
Until then, #embraceinfinity folks.
Aquila Hope is a transformative coach, black trans activist, speaker, podcaster and songwriter. They’re found through Instagram, Twitter, Medium and their own website. Their podcast ‘Grasp At The Root’ can be found on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcast, Apple Podcasts or wherever podcasts are distributed. Aquila lives on the outskirts of Birmingham, enjoys self improvement, creating music, good coffee and pizza.
