From The Inside
Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. I could write the usual things, how you’re not alone and there are people to help you, along with all thew relevant helpline numbers as well. However, this time around I want to get raw and real with you.
I want you to see what is inside a person’s head who has either contemplated, had ideations or attempted suicide. So before I continue, here’s your forewarning that I’ll be discussing my own experiences and moments with suicide from here on.
…Suicide isn’t personal, its literally the mind telling you to shout down forever.
As someone who has attempted suicide, I have a different relationship with it than those outside of it. It often just sits there, waiting to be acknowledged as something that’s available. I think especially for black trans or gender non-conforming people it takes a lot of space in our psyche than normal.
Once you acknowledge it, you tend to be at constant battle with it. For me, its a mixture of finances, gender dysphoria and personal vulnerability. Many people outside get confused as its seen as ‘selfish’ but suicide isn’t personal, its literally the mind telling you to shut down forever.
Sometimes the impulses can be overwhelming. I remember on my worst days it literally feels like I’m being ‘shouted down’ by internal dialogue to find a way to end my life. It varied between using knives on my wrists, getting run over by a vehicle or finding tall buildings to fall from.
It took time to instead of fighting constantly with my ideations but to tolerate them, then accept them. I’m definitely not going out my way to say everyone does this, but I found it works for me. I strongly believe that everyone has a ‘darker’ version of themselves. I found making peace with that side of me has helped me put the voices at bay.
I am by no means perfect, but I always stick to a routine to keep things under my own control. It does include anti depressants, but I also meditate and perform yoga three time a week. I know I still struggle, but I do talk to friends and partners about things as well. I do have a few Netflix go to watches that will make me laugh or cry.
Ultimately, this blog is for those who feel like they’re alone in it all. You’re not. I too have issues. However, if we talk to each other and possibly get professional help where needed we could save a few more lives than lose them.
Until then and more than usual, #embraceinfinity friends.
Aquila Hope is a transformative coach, black trans activist, speaker, podcaster and songwriter. They’re found through Instagram, Twitter, Medium and their own website. Their podcast ‘Grasp At The Root’ can be found on Anchor, Spotify, Google Podcast, Apple Podcasts or wherever podcasts are distributed. Aquila lives on the outskirts of Birmingham, enjoys self improvement, creating music, good coffee and pizza.
